The Misadventures of Zephon and Raziel
by Razielim Vampiress
Summary: The tales of Zephon, Raziel, and their new best friend Billy Bong Thorton. Raziel plans to take over Turkey and rename it Chicken, Zephon creates a new religion, and Kain ends up looking like a cross between Huggy Bear and Mr. Roper. Prequel to Stoned Vam


Title: The Misadventures of Zephon and Raziel

Author: Razielim Vampiress

Rating: PG - 13

Warnings: Language, drug use, and random acts of idioticy

Summary: The tales of Zephon, Raziel, and their new best friend, Billy Bong Thorton. Raziel plans to take over Turkey and re-name it Chicken, Zephon creates a new religion, and Kain ends up looking like a cross between Huggy Bear and Mr. Roper. Prequel to Stoned Vamps.

**Chapter One: Billy Bong Thorton**

It had been nearly a year that Kain had raised the six fallen Sarafan as his vampiric sons. And since then, they had been driving him absolutely insane! Raziel and Zephon are pale, sickly-looking and stupid, Melchiah and Dumah are thick-headed, fat and ugly, and Rahab and Turel are annoying and incessent snitches! Kain sighed and pulled out his dimebag and rolling papers from under his bed. It was days like today that really took its toll on him. He rolled himself one and puffed on it a bit, then layed back and flipped through this month's edition of PlayVamp. If he was going to get stoned he might as well have something constructive to do during.

_'Here's to hoping I don't get carpotunnel!'_

Kain thought as he proceeded to do the only thing that every guy is good at doing. Little did he know that Zephon was sitting outside his door, waiting for Kain to finish his buisness. After nearly ten minutes of waiting and knowing he'd be tramatized for the rest of his unlife after hearing what he just heard, he peeked through the crack under the warped bedroom door and watched Kain kneel onto the floor and put his dimebag and rolling papers in a small tin before sliding it back under his bed, along with the nudie magazine, "Damn, I'll have to pull out Billy Bong Thorton if I have another day like this!"

Zephon then stood and ran down the hallway like a bat out of hell towards Raziel's room. If it could be called a room. Disaster Zone was more like it, but anyways, Zephon threw the door open and hurled himself onto Raziel's messed bed, screwing up the drawing his eldest brother was working on and buring his face in a pillow, "Oh sicksick**SICK**! I will never ever forgive you for making me do that!"

Raziel smirked, "It's not my fault that you suck at Rock, Paper, Scissors. So, did you find out where he hides his stash?"

"Yes, but know this, I will never look at Kain the same way again! Eeeck!" Zephon shuddered, a disgusted look on his face.

The oldest snickered and replied, "Better you than me!" and began rolling up the drawing he had been finishing. Zephon snatched it away, however, "Ooh, what's this?"

"Gimmie that! It's not done!"

Raziel attempted to snatch it back but Zephon bounced from one end of the bed to the other, waving it at Raziel tauntingly, "Neh! ACK! Raz, get off!"

Raziel had tackled Zephon and was now trying to pry the paper out of his slender fingers, "Give it back, damn you!"

Their fighting had attracted outside attention, naturally, and Kain appeared in Raziel's doorway. The vampire watched them for a few minutes, before speaking, "SILENCE!" Raziel and Zephon stopped in mid-fight to stare at him; Raziel was sitting on Zephon's stomach and grabbing at the paper in his brother's right hand, the other fledgling's left being tangled in Raziel's hair, pulling at it while managing to keep the drawing just out of the reach of his elder. Kain sighed and continued in a calmer voice than before, "I'm going hunting and I'm leaving Turel in charge until I get back," Raziel opened his mouth to complain but Kain beat him to it, "Raziel, I'm not foolish enough to leave you in charge so don't even start with me." And with that their sire left, slamming the door behind him.

"Dude, this is our chance. C'mon!" Raziel jumped off his brother, forgetting about the drawing and went out into the hallway of the old tenament building they were living in, heading towards Kain's room with Zephon right behind him. On the way Zephon fell though a weak spot in the floor and it took Raziel almost five minutes to get him out, ignoring Dumah's yell from downstairs about how they just ruined the ceiling of his room. The Slums of Meridian really sucked. Anyways, the two stoners were now digging under Kain's bed, looking for the nudie magazine and the tin full of weed.

"Whoo hoo!" Zephon had just found the nudie magazine.

"Hey dumbass, I found the pot!" Raziel's muffled voice stated from under the bed.

"Why the hell are you looking for a pot!"

If Raziel were an Anime character he would definatly have sweatdropped, "Not **a** pot you chowder head, **the** pot!" he slid the tin behind him towards Zephon and crawled out.

"Ohhh...I knew that!"

Raziel snorted, "Yeah right. Did Kain mention anything else after you were scarred for the rest of your vampiric life?"

"Very funny, jackass. And yeah, he said something about a Billy Bong Thorton."

"Jeez! Kain's really been holdin' out on us! Now... if I were a bong where would I be..."

Raziel opened the closet door and looked inside as Zephon tapped him on the shoulder, "How about that locked cabinet over there genius?"

"I-I knew that! I was just playin' dumb!"

"How can you play dumb if you are dumb?" Zephon smirked.

"Ah, screw you!" Raziel lightly punched Zephon's shoulder before walking over to the cabinet and attempting pathetically to pick the lock, "Grrr...lock picking sucks ass!"

"For the Gods sakes, get out of the way!" The fifth born pulled a paper clip out of his pocket and straightened it out before successfully picking the lock and opening the cabinet. A strange green light poured into the room and the two fledglings stared wide-eyed, smiles spreading onto their faces, "Billy Bong Thorton." the two said in unision before plucking the bong from it's small, cushioned pedistal in the cabinet and taffing it like they've taffed nothing before!

**Raven: I'm baaaaaaaaack!**

**Plushie Raziel: I take it you've beaten the Block?**

**Raven: Just barely. This is my attempt to get some brain juice flowing. I know this is nowhere near as good as Stoned Vamps, but trust me, it WILL get funnier in the next chapter. I pwomise!**

**Chibi Kain: That means you're going to continue with it? .**

**Raven: If people want me to, then yes I will. Readers, if you want to flame me, please do it constructively. That's all I ask.**


End file.
